Learning to Love

For the first time in my life I'm finding out that loving someone.. is hard. I've grown up hearing the verse that goes.. love is patient love is kind, it does not envy or boast, it's not easy to anger, etc. I didn't realize exactly what it meant until now. I didn't know what love was.. until now. What I'm learning so far: The phrase love is a choice, not a feeling. it's the choice to back down first from a fight. it's the choice to hold u're tongue when u're angry. it's the choice to try to understand when u don't agree at all. I remember a youth pastor saying: apologizing when the other person did wrong.. to save the relationship my pride does not want any part of this. it's saying.. if u love me, u would b understanding and showing me affection and giving u're whole heart to me out on a silver platter. and i'm learning.. love isn't about what they can do for me.. it's about what i can do for them. Prayer: God, help me swallow my pride.. and have a servant-like mind. Help me to love... properly (the way u love us).

Day 2

So many things have been going on that I've shut down. When loved ones needed me to pray for them the most, I've selfishly ignored them to live in denial. I can't take all of this at once. These are problems that can't even be solved. When I needed to go to God the most, I ran away. There was a sermon a couple weeks ago about opening up to u're bro's and sis's and sharing what's going on, sharing u're stories so that they would recite it back to u later and remind u of what God's done. I just can't get myself to share. One of my many problems. I don't allow myself to trust people enough to share deep personal things. I'd rather listen to others problems than share my own. I stick to shallow topics and shallow things in fear of them telling someone else without my permission. All closed up and things just keep piling. I should be letting it all down at God's feed, but I hold it all in. The tears, the pain, the frustration all built up inside. I'm ready to let it go.

God, it's always been in u're hands. Even if i don't trust other people, i trust u. Just need to keep reminding myself that u're timing is perfect and u're plans are beyond what we can imagine.

Day 1

For lent, I have decided to post a new blog everyday. As a way of meditating/ remembering/ keeping my eyes open (for God's work)/ sharing my stories(testimonies).. I always have things to post lined up in my head, but usually don't make the time to open this website and write it all out.. :/ so now.. i am making the time!

Two sundays ago I joined my friend in watching a chicago church service streaming live online. If there's one word to describe a black church, it would be energetic.. or maybe passionate.. or lively.. I was watching people worshiping on the computer and i felt this was how God made us to worship and praise. They were worshiping with their whole body.. whole body as an instrument.. singing and moving with all of their heart, body, and soul

Things Left Unsaid

What I was keeping to myself last night because I knew that once again I would cry.. so embarassing

I am thankful for my yunhap family. I thank God for placing me in this family. You guys have always accepted me with open arms every time I come back. You put effort into showing u care and sacrifice ure time to spend time with me and actually sincerely try to get to know me. I am soo glad I'm graduating this year so I can spend more time with everyone and get to know everyone.. without having to fb stalk :) not being creepy for once.. that would b awesome
The best part of the fam would b my friends who I can share everything with and still know that they won't judge.. but they would also share their opinions whether good or bad.. always lifting me and eachother up.. I feel the loveeee ^^

I am also thankful for my (biological) family.. for being supportive and truly loving me and each other.. I have learned this year that not everyone is blessed with such nor raised with such.. and that they would give up everything they have to have such.. Love is indeed the greatest law to abide by

Love love love!!!

All the Single Ladies

M.A.N. was so fun! It was awesome to serve the men of our church fam in love ^^ and it was hella fun doing it haha

Dedications was probably the most heart-warming and beautiful part of the whole night. It was a short period of time where you could actually see the love shared between two people. I saw so much love, that i felt lonely. I am sure all you single ladies know what i'm talking about. Other sisters dedicating their boyfriends and husbands. It was like watching a really really good romantic chick flick! As much as it is good, it just makes u want u're other half that much more.

I know most, if not all, tend to look at themselves and blame themselves for being single. I do it all the time. But what I TRY to do is redo my thinking. I try to think of how God's timing is perfect. God knows what he's doing. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe He doesn't think I'm ready.

Which got me to think.. instead of just looking for flaws in my physical appearance or personality and doing absolutely nothing about it, maybe I should b spending this time to improve who I am. Maybe, indeed.. i am not ready. I'm so gungho and all excited about marriage, but I don't know how to cook anything besides ramen, curry, pancakes, and fried egg. yupp, and that's not gunna keep a hubby happy.

This year I am challenging myself to improve me for my future man by learning to cook other things, to sacrifice my time for other people, and to become more physically fit. (new years resolution! possibly a life-time resolution) Pretty much become better wife-material ;)
I challenge all u other single ladies to do the same.

Home again

yesterday i attended the yunhap annual christmas party where pastor Ben told me he reads this blog ^^ so this one's about church

Walking into the christmas party in my ugly sea-urchin pompom sweater was quite nerve wracking haha. Going to school out of state immensely cripples u're ability to fellowship with people and get to know them. It also doesn't help that new people r joining our church fam every week >.< but anyway, it was super awkward the first like half hour while we were eating. I felt left out and like i didn't belong, and self conscious cuz of my ugly sweater. They did they're own thing, while i did mine. Then, one of the other out-of-staters started talking to me, then somehow we got merged into the group convo and soon the group wasn't a mob, it was each individual person, a face, a smile.

I think that's one of the wonderful traits of yunhap em. If you are outgoing, there are other outgoing people, if you enjoy being a bystander, there are other bystanders to keep you company, there are cliques, there r floaters, but one thing we don't have: outcasts. ^^

you just got.. humbled!

So recently I've been praying God to humble me and just crack me open and shove me down because i am so cocky and boastful in everything that i shouldn't be.
I sure did get my prayer haha I first pulled my hamstrings.. so that perfect body i was going for is ruined and i got another eye infection.. swollen red and painful.. what's unattractive about that?

Thinking about all the negative stuff that's happening to me, I was praying God fix everything.. i just wanna go back to how i was.. healthy and comfortable.. then I got to thinking wow I can't handle a couple of days being uncomfortable.. I should be hella grateful.. there are people who don't live a day of comfortable..

status: process of being humbled..

God is our provider

Something has been on my mind and my heart.. I don't remember since when.. it's probably been more than a year by now.. it was always in the back of my mind all this time and I knew God wanted me to, but I was just too stubborn and afraid.

Yesterday(Monday), I saw him again in the same place as i was walking toward the mart. I felt another stinging in my heart as I avoided eye contact as I passed him, faintly hearing "spare a quarter?". When coming back from the mart, I crossed the street so I wouldn't have to face him again. And as I walked on, the verse from from the sermon on Sunday popped into my mind. Matthew 25:35 "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink..." (No i didn't remember word for word or where in the bible it was.. had to google it just now). It was less than 24 hours ago that I listened to that sermon. How could I have forgotten it by then? In the same sermon the pastor said to take action and not just speak it. HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS?! I prayed and wanted to take action, but still fearful and hesitant. I checked the weather for tomorrow and it was predicted to rain.. thunderstorm..

Today, before my first class I had checked the weather again and it said thunderstorm at noon. I began to think ok well if it's raining he's probably not gunna be there so I won't go. I love God, and how he can read exactly what I'm thinking because after class as I checked the weather again.. not thunderstorm-ing till 3pm leaving plenty of time for me to go. As I made that PB&J sandwich, I think my heart was beating faster than when I was working out this morning. I was so nervous. A million thoughts.. k more like 10 or so.. racing through my head. God, what if he's a jerk? What if he doesn't like this? What if he isn't there because it's gunna rain? etc. etc. Finally, I head out the door and to where he usually is.. and he was there.

I have finally met him today. His name is Steven and he is soooo nice. He smiles a loooooot. ^^ his toothless smile and his wrinkly rainbow eyes and his long gray-ish beard. Like dumbledore except on felix felicis. He responded with "I don't care" *smile* when I asked if he likes PB&J sandwiches. When I gave it to him, he said something I would've never imagined. "Do you want some?" He asked me if I wanted to share that sandwich with him. I watched as he ate it all in a couple bites. How does someone who is constantly hungry remain so happy? How does someone with no place to go when it rains and thunders, smile so much? How come I with so much, am not willing to share anything? He told me he's been out on the streets for 15 years.. FIFTEEN! and he's been asking for quarters, but "get's by". All the while smiling and laughing. Another verse came Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?". I have so much more to be grateful for.. and yet I'm a spoiled little greedy brat, worrying about my future and not fully trusting in the one who provided everything that I have now. I have gained all this from talking to him for 2 minutes. I have more to learn.

"Master, master, Japan is going to drown"

I heard the news about Japan today. Why is it that I always underestimate God's power. The first thing I thought was "how do you save an island from a tsunami? that's like a boat out in a storm. it's doomed." haha and you can hear God telling me "oh, yi of little faith." a boat in a storm? sound familiar? when the disciples were on the boat with Jesus in the middle of a storm, freaking out, Jesus calmed the storm instantly. INSTANTLY. I honestly don't know how this tragedy plays a role in his plan for these people, but he knows the big picture and I believe that he knows what he's doing. If anything he would want the best for his children and this is just another obstacle to face getting there. I believe that he will provide help and support. I also pray that they may experience his comfort and peace.

God was the first psychologist, not Freud

I'm currently learning about prejudice, stereotypes, and discrimination in my psych class and i just read about ingroup bias. Ingroup bias is defined in my textbook as the tendency to give more favorable evaluations and greater rewards to ingroup members than to outgroup members. Ingroup members being other people you relate to. Common sense right? We all have social groups, friends, family who we most relate ourselves to.. our INgroup. According to the ingroup bias, we tend to forget our fellow ingroup members' bad behaviors and remember their good behaviors. Wouldn't it be great if everyone was in the INgroup. No prejudice, no discrimination. I believe that's how God wants us to think of everyone. There's a reason he stated that we're all his children. ALL his children. Doesn't that put us ALL in the ingroup? Thinking that way changes our mindset, the way we view the world, view other people. We start thinking of "them" as "us". We start to forget their bad behaviors.. and remember their good..

I was kind of afraid that when I came to college and I would learn things that would contradict the bible and it would lead me away and make me start to doubt God. Now, I'm finding that the more I learn, the more I realize how amazing God is and how smart he is haha.

God is my Employer

This past summer I was desperate to get a job. Back at school before summer break I was working as an animal care assistant (once again), but I had reached my limit of what work-study has offered. I tried looking for another job, but it was nearing the end of the semester and everyone was looking to hire someone for the summer and not me who would work for a couple months then fly away. So after buying plane tickets for home, I was getting a little low on money :/ I hate being low on money. I felt insecure (not like.. self conscious, but like not secure) and anxious.

After I got home, I started desperately searching for a job, any job. I was checking the korean newspaper everyday to see if there was anyone who'd hire a student for part time. I called and went into a couple places but, they wanted someone who'd stay longer than 3 months. I was doubtful now that anyone would hire me since I'd be staying there such a short time, but I kept on looking, knowing that God would provide as always.

Finally, I called a burger store and they told me to come in for an interview. I went in the next day and met the owner who asked a couple questions but made it sound like I had job already. I HAD GOTTEN THE JOB! I was so excited, my heart raced, and I couldn't keep it to myself. I told my parents as soon as I got back and of course they were happy for me too. I thanked God for providing me with a job with an income so I wouldn't have to worry about books for school.

I worked hard for the first week, then I got a phone call saying that they didn't need me anymore because there weren't a lot of customers and they could handle it by themselves. I was shocked. I could not believe it. I worked there for a week! A WEEK! I was heartbroken, crushed. Was that the real reason they let me go? Maybe I didn't do a good job..

I quickly shook it off and started looking for another job again. I checked the newspapers even more diligently than before, but it seemed like there was nothing there for me. Slowly I started to lose hope. That made me think about the burger job I had before. God? Why did you give me a job, then just take it away? What's the purpose in that? Is there really something else out there for me to do?

He answered me rather quickly. I had heard on sunday announcements that they were hiring for summer camp. I didn't think it through at all because at that point.. I didn't really like kids.. after vbs's I just didn't think I could handle them anymore. I hadn't even considered it an option, but my mom mentioned it when I couldn't find another job. She told me "maybe.. this is what you're supposed to do." (in krn of course) *lightbulb* Maybe.. this IS what I'm supposed to do..

A little hesitant, but still having a little hope, I went to the first day of summer camp. WHAM! God provided me with a job. I was to be a teacher's aid for preschoolers aged from 2 to 3. I was ecstatic I had a job, but 2-3 yr olds?? I firmly believed I was horrible with kids. I didn't know how to talk to them, how to discipline them, how to play with them. I was just planning on marrying someone who's good with them, so my own kids wouldn't turn out undisciplined and just.. wrong.

Turned out God had planned for me to interact with these kids all along. During the month and a half, I had learned so much about caring for babies (how to change diapers, which was surprisingly not that hard), and also something about myself. I am actually decently good with kids.. so I was told by the teacher I was helping. Who knew. Me, good with kids.. haha God did, obviously. I am no longer afraid of being a horrible mother. :D and most of all I was blessed to be a part of those precious kids' lives. Through that experience I finally knew how everyone was made in the image of God, and also understood a little more of how God must see us. He laughs at the silly things we do (out of love, not like haha stupid kid.. but like aww haha u bring me joy), and even when we do bad things, or are super whiney, or make mistakes and pee in our pants.. he can't help but love us. XP

God is.. facebook?

Since the beginning of this semester I have been worrying about the summer. I was planning on storing all my stuff in the residence hall, but they sent me an email saying they are no longer storing students' boxes. Of course the year I'll be moving into that residence hall, they stop letting people store things. So I start frantically searching for summer storage.. boxmydorm.. dormroommovers.. they were all over priced asking $40-50 per box. After calculating the price of all the boxes plus registration fee, it came to about $160. I felt the stress sink in.

I don't have a steady income anymore. I just bought my plane tickets to fly back here, and I might not have enough to last me through this semester.

I sat in panic

what do I do if I run out? I've already borrowed so much from mom and dad, I don't want to ask again.. I can't.

For the next month or so fear snuck in on me whenever I thought about storing stuff for the summer. I prayed often asking for a way, telling myself He will provide. Then, one day out of the blue, my friend asked to have lunch together. We were eating and talking about korean artists and dramas we were watching when she mentioned she was going to fly back home for the summer. She then told me she was still leasing out her apartment because she had to keep her stuff here. And even before I asked, I knew that God had provided.

Sometimes He works through friends, sometimes family, sometimes strangers. I believe there's a reason I know the people I have come to know. Who needs websites for social networking when u've got someone who knows (literally) everyone.

God is a DJ..

Something pissed me off.
I usually don't get mad. It takes a while for me to get mad. But oh.. this got me mad.
I ran the conversation over in my head during all three lectures. I couldn't get it out of my head and all the thinking all the reruns just kept me angry. What makes them so great that they can say that to me? I wasn't doing anything wrong. They're doing things much worse than me. Hypocrites.

I go into work and look at the list of stuff to do today and sigh. I was in a complain-y mood. I reread number one on my list as I put on a once white now brown lab-coat. I dragged a cart of dirty cages out of the elevator and into the cage washing room. (It's where the cage washer is. It's a big machine that washes cages.) The job of unloading and loading cages is tedious and boring so someone had been nice enough to place a radio off to the corner. As I angrily loaded the cages into the cagewasher, christian music softly played in the background. I soon forgot about what I was angry about and just ended up singing along to the songs. I finished loading and pushed the on button. The cage washer noisily started up covering up the music. Back in my thoughts again, now a little bit calmer. I began to think.

I shouldn't be angry. Ugh. Why do I let anger control me and ruin my whole day? God, help me. I am a hypocrite too. God, please let me forgive them. I probably do hundreds of things worse than them. I'm not better than them. What makes me better than them? God, forgive me.

As I headed back downstairs on the elevator I wished that I had my ipod with me. Recently I got into a habit of listening to this one song on repeat to calm me down, rethink my thoughts, and meditate. Savior, Please by Josh Wilson. I usually bring it with me, but today I was in a rush and I forgot it. I really wished I had the song to listen to.

I continued to do other tasks and it was soon time to go unload the cagewasher. I headed back upstairs to the steam-filled room now quiet enough to hear the music. I started taking the cages out and stacking them up onto the cart I brought them in when I heard a familiar melody coming from the radio. The first 5 seconds of the song had played and I recognized it in an instant and smiled. Smiled in unbelief, in shock, in awe, in gratitude. Savior, Please was playing.

God knows your needs even when you don't ask.